Identity Crisis

Ever since I graduated from college, which was six long years ago, my intellect has really gone downhill. You see, I suffer from acute social pressure. So when I attended school, I was told "you're smart - you do this." I did it. I wrote well. I was creative. I anticipated my professor's desires. They loved that.

When I graduated with a useless liberal arts degree, got married to a man I deeply love, and began negotiating my way in the real world, no one knew I was smart, so people defaulted to "you're a woman - you do this." It went from being about what was "up here" to what was "down there" so to speak. This was most pronounced in the churches I attended and the similar mindset of my extended family. Intellectualism is viewed askance in the church as it is, so I really didn't score any points for creative thinking. Instead, I was expected to joyfully conform and find my place in the childbearing world. And in some ways, due to an unexpected pregnancy, I did just that. Still, it has contributed to a good deal of brain rot. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a rant against men or patristic society or anything like that. I don't buy all that society tells me about the sameness of men and women in function if not form. But I'm trying to find out who I am as an individual, and I hope at least some of it doesn't boil down to anatomy.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to live in a world without birth control methods. Granted, there have always been methods, just not such effective ones. That would describe what led to my unexpected pregnancy. My grandmother had seven children she did not want, not due to lack of birth control but due to a husband's religious convictions. Several of them are pretty messed up. Could she have done a better job "through Christ who should have given her strength"? Maybe. Should she and her husband have used wisdom and the guidance of the Holy Spirit in their family planning? I would think so. Maybe they did. I don't know.

What I'm trying to say is, if my lot were different, who would I be? If I didn't have so many choices, would I be more or less content? Was I promised something in my school years that was unrealistic? I remember dreaming of being the first woman president. Due to my totally non-administrative nature, that probably was unrealistic, but what sorts of things will I have to sacrifice to be successful outside of my traditional gender role? Some days I honestly curse being a woman. I'm not nurturing, but I am overly emotional. I detest the mundane but am internally compelled to keep my home. I wrack myself for the drive to accomplish the things I deeply desire. I know it must not be easy to be a man, either, and I should probably stop feeling sorry for myself and get moving. Well, maybe that will be for tomorrow.